Some writers interview their characters. Unfortunately, my characters are in the middle of trying to figure out how to have sex in a believable way (considering my heroine’s past), track down a killer, and trying not to get killed by said killer. It’s a lot of work! So they’ve both declined my inquiry for an interview (too busy, they said. On their way to Portland as I type this to deal with some family drama). Good Lord they’re busy!
Now my muse, on the other hand, is a lazy entity who is 95% useless. The only reason I keep her around at all is because of that 5%, at which point she imparts miraculous inspiration. Our shared
obsession love for chocolate doesn’t hurt either.
And it all comes down to chocolate. I dangled a delectable truffle in front of her nose and
coerced persuaded her into doing an interview. Heck, it’s not like she was working on a novel or anything.
So without further ado (that idiom always reminds me of A Knight’s Tale—totally random, I know), here is an interview with one messed-up-in-the-head muse:
ME: So…are you close to figuring out how the novel is going to end?
MUSE: (Shakes Magic Eight Ball) Very doubtful.
ME: Hmmm, okaaaay. Moving on. How about the next chapter? Any clue?
MUSE: (Shakes the damn thing again) My sources say no.
ME: (Groaning) Please tell me you haven’t crafted the entire novel based on that thing.
MUSE: (Remains silent)
ME: Fine. I can tell you’re not in the mood to talk about our WIP. So what are you in the mood to talk about?
MUSE: Actually, I’d like to address the issue of my Rider.
ME: Your what?
MUSE: You know, my Rider. A list of things I require if you want my continued services.
ME: (Rolling my eyes) You’ve gotta be kidding me. Who do you think you are? A rock star?
MUSE: Please. A rock star is far below my brilliance.
ME: I’m impressed with your humbleness. Okay, I’ll humor you. What do you want?
MUSE: For starts, a never-ending supply of Almond Roca. And you have to promise to keep your grubby hands off them.
ME: Done. (Crosses fingers behind back)
MUSE: Hey! I saw that.
ME: How? Do you have Superman’s X-Ray vision or something?
MUSE: Hel-lo! Mystical being here.
ME: (Sighing) Right. Okay, what’s next?
MUSE: I require uninterrupted vacations.
ME: But your vacations are loooong.
MUSE: And I deserve every minute of them. It’s hard work writing a novel.
ME: Are you kidding me? I write the novel, you just hold the plot hostage.
MUSE: I do not!
ME: Do too! And enough about this. I’m supposed to be interviewing you. So, about those vacations. Where do you want to go?
MUSE: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
ME: (Another eye-roll) See? This is why I’m the writer. I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your clichés to yourself.
MUSE: I’ll do my best.
ME: Back to the interview…will the serial killer get caught, or will he (or she) get killed in the end?
MUSE: Depends on if it’s Lucky Charms or Captain Crunch.
ME: (Growling) Oh, my freaking…can you just answer the question already!
MUSE: (Grabs Magic Eight Ball again) Signs point to yes.
ME: (Grabs the Ball and smashes it to bits) And that concludes this interview.
As you guys can see, my muse isn’t very cooperative. What she’s now figuring out is how this interview was really a sham to lure her home from wherever she’s been hiding. I now have her under lock and key in my hypothetical basement. I dangle chocolate under her nose every so often to keep her in line.
And now, on to that chapter…